Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Crass And Commercial? Not Moi!

The New York Times had an article today about how bookstores are doing an excellent holiday business.

The article focuses on sales of adult books, and I don't write adult books (lacking, as I do, sufficient adult genes), but it still made me jealous of all those writers who get a holiday season boost.

I'm not totally oblivious to what it is I write, and I do understand that in my last four books, I've killed off all humanity in three and an entire family in the fourth. And while Christmas isn't my holiday, I have reason to believe books where all humanity and/or entire families get slaughtered may not automatically appeal to the holiday spirit shopper.

It's too late and I'm too lazy to rewrite all four books, so I've decided instead to give them holiday-appropriate titles. That way people won't notice all the suffering and horror.

Life As We Knew It With Santa

Sleighbells* Ring For The Dead And The Gone

This World We Live In At Holiday Time

Blood Wounds But Really Nice Gifts Heal!

I can hear those cash registers jingle with that happy holiday sound!

*Get the clever play on words? Sleighbells? Slaybells? Maybe it's too subtle for the harried holiday shopper.


Bonnie Jacobs said...

Umm, I think I like the originals better than these holiday editions. Thanks, but no thanks.

Tara said...

You literally made me laugh out loud. :)

O123 said...

very clever

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Hello and thank you to Bonnie Jacobs, Tara and 0123.

I'll probably stick with the orignal titles. Most of the year isn't devoted to holiday shopping!

Bonnie Jacobs said...

Exactly! But this was a fun post, nevertheless.

Lisa-Marie Jordan said...

Ha! Those are awesome titles!

Mr. Platyperson said...

HI! I usually don't do comments on... well, anything really (I'm a rather contained person, if that made sense (after I read that to myself, I decided I'm crazy from staying up to late on a school night)), But anyhow, I just wanted to say, I decided to finally log into Google (which I had to change the password to do) so that you would have one less anonymous! I love your books, I read the first two last year, and then about 3 days ago, I discovered that someone at my school had a copy of This World We Live In , or, what I meant to say was, This World We Live In At Holiday Time and I've been kidnapping it to read snippets when he wasn't paying attention. 3:D Anyhow, just remember, the Polar Bears celebrate this time of Year all year round, so you could always change the title for them! Happy Holidays! And now, because I have another riveting day at school filled with Trigonometric Identities, the weak presidents around the late 1800's, the thermal r value of various insulating materials, and of course, every-ones favorites, coordinating conjunctions (I told myself I felt no remorse in destroying Canada, yet when the mortified survivors wandered into town, I shed a single tear.(that ought to be a compound-complex sentence, but I'm still not really sure)), I really ought to go to my warm, inviting bed where my snug comforter and my velutinous poodle await my return. Toodles!

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Thank you Lisa-Marie Jordan!

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Hello Mr. Platyperson and thank you for not being Anonymous(even though I have my doubts that Mr. Platyperson is your real name)-

It's wonderful all the things they're teaching you in school, and what's even more wonderful is how little you'll remember of it as your life progresses.

And the most wonderful thing of all is if you actually need some piece of information you were taught in school and have long since forgotten, Google will get you to your answer!

Anonymous said...

You may not want to print this, but I can't help myself. If it's "adult" books the public buys, instead of the holiday theme, indulge of the game of adding, "Under the Sheets" to the titles.

Spent many a non-studying hour at the Colonial Diner reading jukebox titles and turning them into humorous lascivious themes.

Holly jolly!

Walter Pidgeon
PS Word verification is: "gardcof" -- one should always guard against that.

Anonymous said...

actually, W. Slezak using a pseudonym.

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Hello to Anonymous Walter Pidgeon who is actually Anonymous Walter Slezak-

At about the same time you were changing song titles at the Colonial Diner, my friend Shari and I spent a gleeful afternoon slipping in the term "whoopie wench."

Friends, Romans, and Whoopie Wenches, give me your ear.

You get the idea!

Anonymous said...

"Whoopie Wenches?" Ah, but you were a purer lot.

Speaking of 'yesterday' - Ringle, ringle, coins when they jingle make such a love-ly sound!
M. Magoo

W. Slezak

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Hello again W. Slezak and a happy Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol to you!