Friday, July 19, 2013

My Gun Is Quick But Google's Quicker

Now that that Harry Potter dame has confessed all, and the sales of her "Oops, I never meant for you to find out" mystery novel have skyrocketed, the time has come for me to admit that I, Mickey Spillane, better known as the feared, and let's face it, venerated tough guy author of Kiss Me, Deadly, have been masquerading as children's book writer Susan Beth Pfeffer for the past 45 years.

Yeah, it was me, the feared, and let's face it, venerated, author of I, The Jury and The Girl Hunters, who wrote Evvie At Sixteen and Meg Makes A Friend.

At first, the deception was easy enough for a feared, and let's face it, venerated tough guy author such as myself. I picked the name of some going nowhere NYU student, and began to write Just Morgan. Just Morgue is more my style, but what you think is a joke ends up being a secondary income you come to depend on for those little things in life like private jets and acting lessons.

But as the years progressed, the lies piled on top of lies. It wasn't enough to be some NYU grad with no past and not much of a present. I had to flesh my creation out. Not that kind of girly voluptuous flesh I'm used to creating either. More like nearsighted and dumpy with hair that goes nowhere. Just to keep from going crazy, I added a few details. 101 year old mother. Grandfather who was a rabbi in Transylvania. Make believe friends with funny names like Marci.

The giveaway was the phony cat Scooter. An homage, as my French worshippers, would say, to my gal pal Ayn Rand.

Not really a cat

 By now everybody knows she spent 1941-1956  (with a little time off for WW II) playing shortstop for the New York Yankees under the moniker Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto. "Aynie sweetie," I said to her once. "Why shortstop? Why not center field?"

She lowered her seduce me eyes. "Even an Objectivist dame needs to lay down a sacrifice sometimes," she moaned.

I hadn't counted on that Booklist reviewer being on the one to blow my cover. But when she called The Shade Of The Moon "brutal," it was game, set, and murder. You google "Mickey Spillane" + brutal, you got 289,000 different places to call your own. "Susan Beth Pfeffer" + brutal nets you less than half that. Anyone with a search box and a gat was going to know.

Oh well. 45 years was a good run.  'Course I'll never match the Marquis de Sade's record of 145 years masquerading as Louisa May Alcott. The old kinkmeister always liked his broads little!


Anonymous said...

Another A.M. Barnard, eh?

So, there's this book, see - something about full employment - that was passed to me years ago. No pages inside...just a big hole. The woik of a very shady character type.


Anonymous said...


I'm not sure I follow you... can you please explain


Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Good evening to W.S. and Anonymous-

Sometimes those books with big holes make for great reading, W.S.

And sometimes blogs just can't be explained, Anonymous!

Anonymous said...

By the way -- brilliant!

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Thank you, W. S.

Anonymous said...


Now that your big secret is out... will you still be posting things to your blog?

Thank you!!!!

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Hi Anonymous-

I have every intention of posting. I just don't have anything to post.

Blame it on summer!

Anonymous said...

As much as I'd love it if you would write gumshoe stories, you wouldn't consider that a hobby, and I think I've found it: movie critic. Why, your movie reviews would have your special touch and, I'd bet, be widely-read and much-enjoyed.

You go to movies. You talk about them. You write. There you go. I don't think your local paper even has a movie column. Pfeffernotes

What do you think? W.S.

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Good morning W.S.

The problem with being a movie critic is you have to go to the movies, the vast majority of which are too loud and too violent for my tastes.

Not that I necessarily have taste. Just tastes!

Anonymous said...

Mickey spillane died in 2006

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Hello Anonymous-

The dead are always with us!

Anonymous said...

"The Dead Are Always With Us" great title.

Wish they weren't - speaking of that, my gratitude as deeply felt. W.S.

PS Just go to art movie houses. Or right reviews of movies you watch at home. Doesn't matter how many times they've been reviewed before... Pfefferhousenotes

Anonymous said...

Do you know where the lid is?


Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Hello to Anonymous W.S. and equally Anonymous B.S.-

I do love movies, but I don't see myself as wanting to write about them. Actually, I don't see myself wanting to write about much of anything these days.

Blame it on summer.

And sorry, B.S. I have no idea where the lid is!

Anonymous said...

Hello Mrs.Pfeffer,

Er-, I suppose I can't call you that anymore,now can I. That rasies the question of what can I call you? (That was me trying to find out your true identity) I'm so sorry, if that sounds even the least bit creepy. What I really wanted say was "Thank you" you write all these books, that I absoutly love. Your books transport me to a world of fantasy, and sometimes dystopia. You are my greatest hero, I know, I know, I dont know you in life. But I feel as if,, I do know you. I can imagine you right now with Scooter, sitting on your lap, purring soflty as you stroke his long slender body. Agian sorry if that sounded creepy! I'm getting off topic. As I was saying before simply "Thank you"

-Your loyal book reading friend

P.S- Have you 'checked out' Minecraft yet? It looks to be a promising 'hobby'! Oh... I hope that diddent reveal my cover! Anyways, for the third and last time (I promise) Thank you =)

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Hello again Anonymous and thank you for such a nice comment.

I gave Minecraft a quick look but it seemed too complicated for me. You have no idea how simple minded I can be when it comes to things like that.

Scooter just used his litter, then came over to make sure I was still around, and promptly sauntered out of the room. My guess is he's giving himself a quick wash in the living room (I'll know in a moment, since I'm on my way there).

He's not much of a lap cat, but lately he's been insistent I pet him, so the next time I do, I'll give him your regards!

Anonymous said...

Is a movie about life as we knew it in the works?

Anonymous said...


I'm glad you enjoyed reading the comment. It was my pleasure! I look forward to seeing where the future takes you. I know in my heart, that it will be great =)

-Your loyal book reading fan

Susan Beth Pfeffer said...

Good afternoon Anonymous and Anonymous-

So far, there are no plans to make a movie out of Life As We Knew It.

If there ever are, I'll certainly let you know.

And I think my future will be great also!

Anonymous said...

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHATS UP? HOWS SCOTTER???!?!?!?!?!? TELL ME TELLL ME TELLLLL MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!