Every now and again, someone who loves me asks if there's any word on a possible movie version of Life As We Knew It.
Patiently, I reply to Someone that no, there isn't, and I assume there never will be.
Why's that? Someone says.
(You know, it's amazing what difference a few letters can make. Someone Says would be much harder to play than Simon Says. But I digress. Big time).
(Where was I?)
Oh yeah. Someone was asking why they'll never make a movie out of LAWKI.
Because it would be way too hard to get all those actors and actresses and cat to lose so much weight, I respond politely but firmly. Sure, Tom Hanks did it for a movie once, but he's just an Oscar whore. You'll never see the true luminaries of cinema, the stars of High School Musical Two, cheapen themselves with weight loss.
Someone almost inevitably loses interest in the topic right around then and moves on to far more significant stuff, like whether Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson are really right for each other. And I'm left feeling forlorn because there will never be a LAWKI movie.
However, I didn't get a degree in film from NYU for nothing. That degree cost a lot of money, and it's about time I put it to greater use than simply mentioning that Marty Scorsese was a teaching assistant in a course I took (and got a C in, thank you very much).
Special effects! That's all LAWKI needs for it to become a Major Motion Picture. Forget making all those poor actors gain and lose weight. With the right special effects, the actors can weigh whatever they want, and the audience will never know the difference.
After much work in my secret laboratory, I've created the necessary special effects. Here are sample photographs of Before, During, And Close To The End scenes. Feel free to oooh and ahhh.
There they stand, back row from left to right: Mom, Matt, Miranda, Jonny and Mrs. Nesbitt, front row: Horton The Cat, just the way you pictured them at beginning of LAWKI. Robust, happy, practically multi-dimensional.
Let's look at them further along in the story. They remain, back row, left to right: Mom, Matt, Miranda, Jonny, and Mrs. Nesbitt. Front row: Horton The Cat. See how the actors convey the horrors they've encountered. See how they've already lost some weight.
It's shocking how different they look after only a few months. It's also shocking how much Jonny's left hand resembles a foot. Us special effects wizards are truly amazing.
Now for the piece de resistance. Just try to resistance. You know you won't be able to. But the squeamish amongst you may want to cover your eyes and peek.
In the back row, just where we left them: Mom, Matt, Miranda and Jonny. Front row: Horton The Cat and Mrs. Nesbitt.
While some of the credit must be given to the actors for their heartrending portrayals of grief and near starvation, frankly the special effects artist (i.e. me) should be the one most rewarded with praise, adoration, and an Oscar or two. Or three. There's plenty of room on my fireplace mantel for as many as the Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences cares to throw my way.
And won't Marty Scorsese be proud!